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Welcome to the count's page. DO NOT BE AFRAID! The count can be relatively harmless (as long as you don't play any hair metal, tickle him, or touch his nugz). You cannot kill the count. You can, however, stun him for an evening if you give him a couple glasses of champagne.
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| the count has been known to be extremely cranky at any time before his daily power breakfast |
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afterwards, however, he has a dopey, sluggish charm that's quite appealing |
10 THINGS THE COUNT LIKES:
(in no particular order) |
| 1 |
GATORADE - not quite as replenishing as blood, but it sho nuff quenches the count's thirst |
| 2 |
SLIM JIMS - ok, so the main ingredient is mechanically separated chicken, but aren't they just so tasty? snap into one!! |
| 3 |
SEX - the #1 cure for pain, depression, and boredom | >
| 4 |
TRAVELLING THE GLOBE - there's no better way to broaden your mind and shrink your wallet | >
| 5 |
THE COUNTESS - she's the one who actually decides what the count likes and don't like |
| 6 |
GAMBLING - maybe he's just lucky, but the count tends to win a lot on those slots! |
| 7 |
VIDEO GAMES - he's thoroughly addicted to mario golf...what a dirty little sin |
| 8 |
MAKING MUSIC - he's not really that talented, but the count enjoys it! (check some of his music on garageband) |
| 9 |
NUGZ - come on people, we've got to legalize! there's nothing more satisfying than a stinky nug in your mug |
| 10 |
VODKA - the count's therapist |
10 THINGS THE COUNT HATES:
(in no particular order) |
| 1 |
TRAFFIC - can't we all just work from home? |
| 2 |
INSECTS - especially bees, those fuckers make me swell up like a giant hemorrhoid |
| 3 |
BREAST IMPLANTS - yuk! the count much prefers tender scoops of natural human flesh, even if they ain't so big | >
| 4 |
WEAK-ASS DRINKS THAT COST $8 - where do these bars get off? what am i, a rich yuppie? | >
| 5 |
POLITICS - just say no |
| 6 |
NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND A SACK - see, if we would just legalize it, then we could get nugz delivered to our homes! |
| 7 |
FIGHTING OFF WOMEN - the count has an irresistable charm that he just can't help (ok, so not really) |
| 8 |
PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE COOL - the only truly cool people know that they're not...the same goes for WOMEN WHO THINK THEY'RE HOT |
| 9 |
PEOPLE WHO KNOW YOU BUT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE - they're like, "hey the count! what's up man!", and you're like, "hey, ....uh, bro! how've you been?" |
| 10 |
RECEIVING BLOWJOBS - just kidding! |
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