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Saturday, May 26, 2012

Paid a homeless woman $5 to blow me. Hurt myself street biking. I sat nude in the empty bathtub while trying to think of various ways to kill myself, until I realized that a new Lord of Rings glossy picture book was being released next week. I no longer want to kill myself... at least not for now. Had explosive diarrhea. Drank so much bourbon that I had to get a hotel room. Threw up in the bed. My ball sweat smells off today. Must be something in my diet. Smoked weed. Ate a bag of beef jerky and 6 packages of snack crackers.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Got baked. Ate 3 packs of ramen noodles. Lit a fart. I sat nude in the empty bathtub while trying to think of various ways to kill myself, until I realized that a new Lord of Rings glossy picture book was being released next week. I no longer want to kill myself... at least not for now. My ball sweat smells off today. Must be something in my diet. Drank so much bourbon that I had to get a hotel room. Threw up in the bed. Shoved my cordless phone antenna up my ass. Heard a noise in the hallway. Waited with my gun.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Drank so much bourbon that I had to get a hotel room. Threw up in the bed. That thing on my toe just oozed some more pus. Sort of tastes like licorice. So sweaty... will it ever stop? Inhaled and entire cannister of Dust-Off. Wiped my ass with the bible. Heard a noise in the hallway. Waited with my gun. Tried jerking off while doing a headstand. I ended up wrenching my neck and spraining my left wrist before I blew my load. To boot, I got a drop of lube in my right eye and my vision has been blurry for 2 days now. Damn!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Saw a spider and screamed like a girl. That thing on my toe just oozed some more pus. Sort of tastes like licorice. Spent 2 hours trying to find a way to extract resin from my dirty bong water using coffee filters and a hair dryer. Tried jerking off while doing a headstand. I ended up wrenching my neck and spraining my left wrist before I blew my load. To boot, I got a drop of lube in my right eye and my vision has been blurry for 2 days now. Damn! Heard a noise in the hallway. Waited with my gun. Got high. Ate a bag of Doritos. Drank 2 bottles of wine by myself.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Smoked weed. Ate a bag of beef jerky and 6 packages of snack crackers. My ball sweat smells off today. Must be something in my diet. Drank 2 bottles of wine by myself. So sweaty... will it ever stop? Lit a fart. Heard a noise in the hallway. Waited with my gun. Saw a spider and screamed like a girl.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Got baked. Ate 3 packs of ramen noodles. Hurt myself street biking. Wiped my ass with the bible. Tried jerking off while doing a headstand. I ended up wrenching my neck and spraining my left wrist before I blew my load. To boot, I got a drop of lube in my right eye and my vision has been blurry for 2 days now. Damn! Paid a homeless woman $5 to blow me. Had explosive diarrhea. Jerked off to Big Bad Mama Jama video.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

That thing on my toe just oozed some more pus. Sort of tastes like licorice. Inhaled and entire cannister of Dust-Off. Wiped my ass with the bible. Got baked. Ate 3 packs of ramen noodles. Paid a homeless woman $5 to blow me. Hurt myself street biking. Drank 2 bottles of wine by myself.