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Saturday, February 4, 2012

Hurt myself street biking. Got high. Ate a bag of Doritos. Paid a homeless woman $5 to blow me. Drank so much bourbon that I had to get a hotel room. Threw up in the bed. Spent 2 hours trying to find a way to extract resin from my dirty bong water using coffee filters and a hair dryer. Saw a spider and screamed like a girl. Drank 2 bottles of wine by myself.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Shoved my cordless phone antenna up my ass. Paid a homeless woman $5 to blow me. Tried jerking off while doing a headstand. I ended up wrenching my neck and spraining my left wrist before I blew my load. To boot, I got a drop of lube in my right eye and my vision has been blurry for 2 days now. Damn! Jerked off to Big Bad Mama Jama video. Inhaled and entire cannister of Dust-Off. Got high. Ate a bag of Doritos. Farted in my hand and smelled it.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Drank so much bourbon that I had to get a hotel room. Threw up in the bed. Hurt myself street biking. Paid a homeless woman $5 to blow me. Lit a fart. Smoked weed. Ate a bag of beef jerky and 6 packages of snack crackers. Farted in my hand and smelled it. Got high. Ate a bag of Doritos.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Drank so much bourbon that I had to get a hotel room. Threw up in the bed. Shoved my cordless phone antenna up my ass. Jerked off to Big Bad Mama Jama video. Wiped my ass with the bible. I sat nude in the empty bathtub while trying to think of various ways to kill myself, until I realized that a new Lord of Rings glossy picture book was being released next week. I no longer want to kill myself... at least not for now. Spent 2 hours trying to find a way to extract resin from my dirty bong water using coffee filters and a hair dryer. Saw a spider and screamed like a girl.