Zooass Newsletter #18 - June 9, 2000
You know the format. First the story. Then the news.
THE STORY
So now I'm going to tell you the story about how I got the crap beat
out of me by a white trash wigga named Aagee Skerstad. With a name
like that, you'd think he'd be sailing the high seas with an eye
patch and a pegleg, shooting at nearby ships with cannons in hope of
raping their women and taking their gold. But no. No such luck for
me...
The date was August 14, 1993. The destination was Seaside (if you
haven't learned by now we call it Sleazeside) Heights, NJ - Guido
apex of the decade. I had picked up the Ukee (my trusty slamhound at
the time) from Philly and headed to the shore. It was an uneventful
ride... except for when I closed her panties in the window to flap at
passersby. As noted in the 1993 Sir Log (my personal transcript of
that year's events), we apparently picked up some Jack Daniels
Country Cocktails (as well as some beer for some minors - haha!) then
pounded them at "Club Coolidge" (as we fondly called JB of Zooass's
abode on Coolidge Ave). Then we headed to the boardwalk.
Now let me let you in on a little secret kiddies. You can booze it up
just about anywhere if you use some common sense. Have cup, will
travel. So we stopped at this greasy little joint called Rib-Bino's
to get equipped. Thank you kindly Danielle for the cups, we will just
be drinking air tonight. Into the shadows we went each with our own
party in a bag - my old friend and yours - a bottle of MD 20/20
(grape of course). Mad Dog Trivia #1: Only the grape flavor contains
18% alcohol. The other flavors are substantially less potent. So we
filled up our cups (don't forget the ice!), popped on the lids, poked
through the straws and voila - fun on the run. On to the boardwalk we
went.
So we roamed the boards getting drunker and drunker and acting more
and more like the morons we truly are. It is noted that JB found one
of those plastic tubes that makes noise when you spin it through the
air, hung it out of the front of his pants with a rubber on the tip
of it, and walked around as proud as a beetle in a dung heap. We also
got the Ukee to pose topless in one of those "Polaroid Face Place"
photo booths. The "Hungry Shark" photo we called it, because both JB
and I were each teething on a tender teat. Exposing ourselves in
photo booths had become sort of a tradition at the time. Go figure.
Hmmm. Shall I post the photo? Maybe not. She might still use that
nickname. (I'm too damn nice aren't I?) On second thought, try this
link!
So JB and I were in the arcade playing driving games drunk. "I'll get
you home... I'm fine..." Meanwhile we were oblivious to the fact that
Aagee and his crew were harassing Ukee as she walked to the bathroom
across the boardwalk, saying that they were going to beat JB and me
up for letting her walk alone. We never saw them. We were too busy
running over pedestrians in our cars.
Soon after, we headed back to the car (Damn kids! Didn't you learn
anything from that arcade game! I assure you... we've since matured
and don't condone driving a vehicle, printing press, or any other
type of machinery whilst pie-eyed.) That's when they moved in.
"Are youz guyz faggots? Are youz guyz gay?" (Indeed I am. I only
think of you while banging the beautiful blonde beside me you
dipshit!) There stood the homely creature who called himself Aagee.
Skinhead haircut, super baggy pants (these were only worn by true
gangstas back then - haha!), and to top it all off - a missing tooth
in the middle of his mouth. He proceeded to comment on his classic
wardrobe. "Are youz pants saggin' like mine?" This question was
directed at JB. Meanwhile his ugly little shit friend kept asking me
"Do youz think I'm funny lookin'? Do youz think I'm ugly?" "Fuck
yeah!" I should have said. But instead I replied "What would happen
if I did?" Smooth move Sir. That's an open invitation for a fisticuff
if I ever heard one!
Then toothless made his first move. His pirate urge to rape and
pillage overwhelmed him. He kissed poor Ukee on the cheek, grabbed
her hooters, moved over to me, and shook my hand. Let me tell you one
thing. Mad Dog slows a body down. My brain had not even processed
what had happened as he shook on with his shit-eating grin (and I'll
bet he did indeed eat it!) when ugly moved in and socked me right in
the eye. It was a fine maneuver. Before that punch had a chance to
register - WHAM! - he slugged me again. Then he switched places with
Aagee and jabbed JB in the lip while the Aag-man administered the one
two punch to the same spot.
This shit happened so fast that before we realized what the fuck was
going on they were halfway down the block - laughing and shouting at
us as blood streamed out of my nose and all over my face. We returned
fire, a cop heard us, came running, and we hailed him like a taxi.
Somehow I found humor in the situation. I certainly couldn't feel any
pain thanks to the 20/20. So what did I do? I started yelling
"ADRIAN!!! ADRIAN!!!" at the top of my lungs like our old friend
Rocky Balboa. I guess I figured I might as well entertain the masses
while my face was freshly beaten to a pulp.
So they iced me up and took me to the police station for some
Polaroids. I had already practiced posing in the Polaroid Face Place
earlier so I was quite a natural at it. And this is a riot - we were
able to positively ID him by describing his red heart covered boxers.
The downfall of the baggy pants gangsta! Then came the good news.
Someone reported Aagee changing his clothes in their back yard and he
was captured. And better yet, "When we took his belt off before we
put him in the cell so he wouldn't hang himself his pants fell down
around his ankles!" Then they brought out the prisoner.
Sure enough, it was him. Who's laughing now fucko! Aggravated Assault
charges for you! Many months later we met him in Seaside Heights
Municipal Court (which was more like the Jerry Springer show than a
courtroom) and the judge threw the book at him. Apparently he was
very familiar with Mr. Skerstad. Before Aagee could even get single
word out of his mouth the judge let him have it. "I don't dig your
act anymore! You give this town a bad name. You can't just go around
grabbing girls and punching people in the face! I'm giving you the
maximum sentence." And off to jail he went. Check out the police
report and court docket. Apparently I didn't like them calling him
Stradstad so I fixed the name at the time! And damn was he guilty!
Holy shit that was a long one! I hope you enjoyed it!
THE NEWS
We put out these damn newsletters so infrequently the news part is
almost silly, isn't it? Anyway, here's the newest of the new.
MISS ZOOASS 2000 COMPETITION! JUST ANNOUNCED TODAY!
The long awaited competition and quest for the perfect woman has
begun once again! This time around you can win wonderful prizes like
stuffed animals with raging hard-ons (or should I say soft-ons) and
rubbers galore - not to mention your very own throne on Zooass, a
lifetime membership, and then some! And who knows?! We might even add
more prizes as we go! So if you're a lovely lady, sign up already. If
you're a horny dude, get that pud in hand and behold the glory that
is woman. Yikes. I'm getting a little out of control here, aren't I?
ENHANCED GAMES SECTION
We finally got around to ridding ourselves of the world's longest
scrolling page and fixing up the games section so it makes more
sense. At least that's what we were hoping. (see
http://www.zooass.com/games) We've also added some links to a couple
articles relating to Bulimic Blowdown and the trouble we had with
that bitch Calista Flockhart. (see http://www.zooass.com/games/highnoon)
If you're lucky, the "Litigation Station" may be born sometime in the
near future! Also, check out the angry letters from those who fell
victim to our Porno Invasion prank and had no idea how to escape its
sultry wrath! (see http://www.zooass.com/games/porno)
ELIAN'S ADVENTURE AT SEA
Elian has finally had enough of us silly Americans! Afloat in his
trusty cigar box, he's set sail for Cuba to return to his homeland.
But it won't be easy! With 16 levels of formidable creatures ahead,
it will take some quick reflexes before he sees land and his beloved
cigar smoking dictator again!
http://www.zooass.com/games/elian
THE UNABUNNY AND THE EASTER EGG EXPLOSION
Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is at it again, but this time he's decked out
in his favorite bunny suit. Lob Easter Eggs to the anxious kiddies
for an explosively good time.
http://www.zooass.com/unabunny/
MR. PENIS DESKTOP BUDDY
Now you can enjoy the pleasant company of Mr. Penis all day long! The
Mr. Penis Desktop Buddy - Generation I is the first phase of a
hopefully evolving screenmate featuring your favorite schlong, our
very own Mr. Penis. He walks, he whacks, he busts a nut! Heck, he
even talks! Children of all ages... uh... we mean adults over 18 will
be sure to get a kick out of the delightful antics of the icon of the
century!
http://www.zooass.com/mrpenis/
Alright, that's it. I'm tired and my pillow is calling.
Pleasant Dreams,
Sir
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