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You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
-- Plato

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
-- David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-- Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Jack Handy, "Deep Thoughts"

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Welhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-- Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons"

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals, such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
-- George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
-- Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemmingway, "For Whom the Bell Tolls"

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons"

I've always believed that paradise will have my favorite beer on tap.
-- Rudyard Wheatley

There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.
-- John Ciardi

I will make it a felony to drink a small beer.
-- William Shakespeare

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
-- Tom Waits

I always keep a supply of beer handy in case I see a snake - which I always keep handy.
-- W.C. Fields

I drink for the thirst to come.
-- Francois Rabelais, french writer and humorist

Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons"

Man being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxicating.
-- Byron, "Don Juan"

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
-- Robert Benchley

I will make it a felony to drink small beer.
-- William Shakespeare

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra

To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.
-- Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons"

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-- William Butler Yeats

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
-- W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-- W.C. Fields

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-- Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven.
-- Brian O'Rourkell

This beer is good for you. This is draft beer, stick with the beer. Let's go and beat this guy up and come back and drink some more beer.
-- Ernest Hemingway, "To Have and Have Not"

Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
-- Cliff Clavin, "Cheers"